I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
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[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
This is the best one I’ve seen
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.