HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
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There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I can also cook 😂
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan