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Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
So sick of all these stupid rules
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did