I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
A short story of betrayal:
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.