Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
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Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.