Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
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You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great