This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
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sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I have a black belt in leather