My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too đ
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Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have âpent up savingsâ from the pandemic like sheâs never heard of Amazon.
âGo on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.â
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I donât understand why people are giving me weird looks. Itâs like theyâve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Be nice or Iâll put you in my novel and wonât change your name
i, nurse brian, take thee, my momâs toilet, in holy matrimony
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel betterâ everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If theyâre like âthese idiot humans keep losing their sticks & itâs up to me to go find themâ
Itâs gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put togâ
me: i cant make it
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
I donât know if this would be classified as âunethicalâ but I have filled my neighbourâs eavestroughs with birdseed.
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
As a teacher, youâre sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girlâs face.
I then confiscated the phone as itâs against rules to have it out in the corridor.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me