if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
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Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Yoga Matt