[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
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Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Sing it!
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
that lip filler tho
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together