I’m not trying to be racist but black people are darker than white people.
You Might Also Like
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.