Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
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Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Your honor these allegations are
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.