Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
My old WiFi name used to be BoratVoiceMyWifi but I’ve since matured
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
I have obtained a hat
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention