[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
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Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Cop: before I search your pockets is there anything I should be aware of?
Me: we brush our teeth with hair on a stick and brush our hair with teeth on a stick
Cop: *on radio* get the feds
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved