Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
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the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
Employees must applaud the planets.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.