Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
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I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
She was REALLY feeling it.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.