A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You Might Also Like
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
I love British antique shows because every piece has a rich history and the Brits are so blasé about it.
“Do you know anything about this teapot?”
“My grandfather used it to beat a Nazi to unconsciousness while doing espionage work during WWII.”
“Mmm-hmm. Beautiful etching.”