A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
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I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
Who needs an Air Fryer?
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Oh my god
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.