My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
My GPS told me to drive up an off-ramp to get onto a highway going the wrong direction so I’m going to pass on getting into a self-driving car, thanks.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
“What movie?” 🤔
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.