just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
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Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Hotels are back
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…