[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
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I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.