I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
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I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH