Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
You Might Also Like
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad