[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
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Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Mad Max: Furry Road
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
She was rare, like a goth jogging
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.