I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
hackers play passwordle
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
everyone has that one prude friend
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up