Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
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Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what