Adultry does not sound fun at all
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if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball