Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
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“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.