I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
i could never use my superhero powers to become an actual superhero because i could never commit to the lifestyle.
oh wait, that alarm says someone is in trouble RIGHT NOW? sorry, i need at least 48 hours notice and a written form
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics