No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
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I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
This is a bad sign
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.