I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
DOCTOR: studies show that social media use reduces attention span
ME: that’s hard to believe
DOCTOR: are you checking your phone?
ME: what?
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.