[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
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I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Born to be mild.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
Good morning, Twitter 😊
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.