“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
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Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
So creative 😂
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
This is amazing.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”
BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie