Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
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How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!