me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
canadian assassins are called killergrams
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.