You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
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*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Saturday
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
found my next D&D character name
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.