[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
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I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*