kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”