Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
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Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
“Your guy is late.”
“It’s only been five minutes, chill.”
“Something doesn’t feel right.”
“Everything’s fine, Dave.”
“You sure this is the spot?”
“Yes.”
“And you know this guy is cool?”
“Yes, just relax.”
“Don’t give him the money until-”
“Until I see the kibble, yes I know.”
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My favorite female superhero
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables