I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
A Short Story.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else