It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
You Might Also Like
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
Choose your fighter
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!