[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
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I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]
Android user: See?
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.