Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
You Might Also Like
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
[montage of me giving-up]
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.