*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
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Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Me too
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
#JohnTravolta
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
How is it still this week?
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community