*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
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Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
Good news
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Alexa: *deep breath*