Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
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WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
This kid is going places
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.