I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
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My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
How actors in movies eat their food
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.