I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
no regrets
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.