Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
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*Inspirational Tweets*
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Bike for sale
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Finally!
Born to be mild.
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.