Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
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[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.